


Atrophy.

by orphan_account



Series: Antlers. [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Death, Other, Slight ableism tbh, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:08:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7040230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Moving on was never easy for John Laurens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. you were freezing

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so! I decided to try making this, kind of like a test for my hand at writing up stories.

Day one of the new apartment. Nobody is here with him, not even that strong lingering presence that was there after Alexander had died. Not the soft comfort of unconditional love from a pet. Nothing. It was very blank, but that wasn’t bad.

John still had the same job, the same schedule, the same items. He’d thrown all of the belongings and memories of Hamilton away, except for two residual objects. A picture from when they had seen the Fourth of July fireworks, kissing in the middle of the explosion. Alexander’s oversized grey hoodie, which he was technically reclaiming, but it had always belonged to Alex in John’s eyes.

He shook his head to get himself out of the trance he was in and set to work on decorating. The essentials were put out, of course, like his bed and such, but he couldn’t stand the look of the apartment being so empty. It reminded him too much of how he felt.

After two hours of running back and forth (in an almost manic pace) from boxes to shelves, he heard his phone go off. The break in his pattern made him slow down, reminded him that he had to come back down to reality. He walked over to the coffee table and picked it up. Lafayette.

_We’re going to get married!!!_

_That’s great, Laf. Make sure you take me with you to pick clothes_

 

He may have sounded a little more empty than he wanted to, but it was awful hard to hide it. He was going to marry Alexander. Then again, he might find someone else at Hercules’ and Lafayette’s wedding. He built a little hope around that thought, before breaking it down. _Don’t count on anything_.

He hadn’t realized he had been holding on to the photograph of Alexander and him, but when he did, he set it back down on the coffee table. He felt heavy again, like he was turning to dust. _No_ , he thought, _Alex wouldn’t want this._

* * *

 

Two months later, Laurens could have sworn someone rented the old apartment, but it seemed it was back up for rent again. Weird. He decided to drop by and look into the window he could see, the single pane facing the street. A reflection of a face. He was losing his mind. He shook his head to get the wild thoughts of Alexander out of his head, but looking back, he was still there.

Alex gave the small wave that he always did when John would come home and Hamilton was up, typing away on his computer. John got into his car and closed the door as fast as he could, making himself focus on the steering wheel.

_I swear to god I just saw Alexander waving at me from the window_

No response. Lafayette was going to think he’d lost his marbles now. They would probably try softly convincing them to go to a psychiatric hospital for a week, talk to him about how _he_ should come first.

_It could be possible he is still there._

Laurens threw his phone into the passenger’s seat.


	2. misshapen, awkward and tall

A month after, nobody had bought the apartment. He had overheard people claiming it was haunted. A coworker at the supermarket he worked at had said that he had gone over to see the place. He said that he saw a cat’s apparition, a face in the dust of the counters. John hung his head further.

Maybe he was just hearing things. He was so caught up in Alexander’s death that his mind was tricking him into thinking he saw Alex, heard about Alex. He just continued to work. When he went home, the apartment was there, as always. John thought about getting a new pet, or even looking for a roommate, but he brushed it off. Maybe it’d be better to handle this alone.

The day before, Lafayette had taken John with them to go shopping for their wedding outfit. They were trying to find a happy medium between a dress and a suit, but unfortunately, they weren’t having any luck, so they decided to postpone the search.

Now, it was Saturday. Laurens was so incredibly bored. He decided to drag his ass off of the couch, hopefully to meet someone new, make a new friend or something. He made himself presentable and grabbed his bag, putting his phone is his pocket.

Walking down the stairs and out on to the street, he realized that the weather was a lot nicer now that he was outside. This was fine, actually. He walked down the street, occasionally seeing Alexander’s face in strangers’. He passed people he _swore_ he knew, but he couldn’t be sure. Finally, he settled on going into a coffee shop, just down the street.

He sat down, not entirely sure what to do, until he remembered that he had a notebook with him. He quickly set to work on drawing what he could remember about Alex, his hand shaky. He felt a presence over his shoulder and jumped a little.

It was another man, about his age, with darker skin and a frizzy afro. He was looking over Laurens’ shoulder, staring without realizing John could see him. When John turned, he stepped back.

“Sorry, uh, that picture just reminded me of someone I used to know…” the man rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s really good.”

“Oh, um, thank you…” Laurens turned back to look at his drawings of Alexander. “I’m John…” he murmured. “This is Alex.”

“Alexander Hamilton?” the other’s question was quiet, and John barely registered it.

“Yes.”

The man slid into the seat across from him, holding a hand out. “My name is Thomas. Thomas Jefferson.” _Oh_. This is-was-Alexander’s nemesis, allegedly.

“Oh, I’ve heard about you… I was Alex’s boyfriend.” John murmured, tracing his pencil back over the lines he’d already drawn. “I never _did_ get to meet you.”

“The Laurens that he would always talk about. All good things,” Jefferson gave a small smile. “How have you been holding up?”

“I, um…” John was confused. Why would Jefferson, of all people, _care_? “I moved out of our-the apartment. I couldn’t stand living there anymore.” Laurens was suddenly aware of the soft gaze on him, looking toward Thomas to find him nodding.

“I, um, I mean, how are you?” Laurens realized that he wasn’t being the best conversationalist. Thomas laughed a little, before setting his cheek on his hand. _Damn_ , that jawline.

“I’m fine. Work has been strange without Alexander. Quiet.” he sighed. “I’m living alone in my apartment, too. My roommate found himself someone nice, I guess.” He tapped his fingers on the table rhythmically. John nodded.

“Do you have pets?” Laurens asked, giving Thomas a hopeful gaze. This time, Jefferson laughed louder, a smile fully gracing his face. _Pretty_.

“I do. I have a cat.” Jefferson replied, calming himself down. “Why?”

“Oh! Um, I just was thinking about getting a new pet. Our cat died pretty quickly after Alexander went,” John wouldn’t let himself choke up right now. “So, uh, I was looking for a-”

“I get it.” Thomas nodded. John made a mental note to thank him later. There was no way he was going to talk about that to someone he barely knew. “Cat’s name is Monticello. If you want, you can come over and meet her,” Jefferson looked a little hopeful.

“Sure, why not?” John got up, putting his things back into his bag. Thomas stood with him. Laurens tried to push down that stupid warm feeling in his belly.

“I don’t live far, so,” Jefferson started walking, and John followed closely behind. “It won’t be too long of a walk.” The two of them ended up crossing a street and turning a corner, before going all the way to the end of the block.

Jefferson unlocked the main door, walked up some carpeted stairs and went to a door marked ‘3’. He unlocked this door, and when he opened it, John felt even more warm.

It was so nicely decorated. Warm colors, nice paintings, it had a country feeling to it. As much as he hated the country (since it reminded him of his father), this place was beautiful. When the door made noise, there was a little bit of shuffling and then quiet _clack-clacks_ into the main room. A chubby golden-brown tabby cat walked into the room, running up to greet Thomas. She stopped when she saw John in the doorway.

The cat ran to him, sniffing him briefly before rubbing up against his legs. She had accepted him into her large family. John felt himself smile a little, reaching down to pet the cat.

“Uh, Monticello, right?” he asked, directing his gaze toward Jefferson, who nodded. “She’s pretty. Our cat-Philip- he was grey and white.” John reminisced, remembering the bright orange eyes that Philip had, how shiny and wide they were when he ran to John that night. He shook his head, like usual, to expel the thoughts.

Jefferson nodded and walked to the kitchen, Monticello following swiftly behind him. He heard dishes clinking and light meowing. Laurens looked into the kitchen from around the corner and saw Jefferson preparing special soft food for her, even though he saw a bowl full of cat kibble in the corner. There must be special meals.

He went back and sat on the couch in the main room, staring off into space. He wondered what Thomas Jefferson could have done to make Alexander hate him so much.


	3. bound to your bedside, your eulogy singer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John draws.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the lack of updates! I was trying to find a way to flow this chapter naturally, but I couldn't do it. I'm just going to post it now.

John had spent a few hours at Thomas’ apartment, learning about him and his past. He was currently looking for a roommate, and John was looking for someone to move in with (although there was no way he would say that to Jefferson). He might just apply for that roommate position, though.

After he had gotten home, Thomas walking him, he’d walked in and sat down on his bed, not bothering to lay down. He felt around in his bag for a moment, throwing it across the room after he found his sketchbook. He grabbed the nearest writing utensil and began drawing. Jefferson, his nice face, his tall figure. Monticello, her curved belly. Lafayette, their wide hips, their slender, near-perfect legs. All these qualities he would never have. _No, don’t start this_. He colored in his lines lightly, tracing them again. He only looked up when his phone buzzed. It was Jefferson.

_You get home okay?_

John put down his pen and stared at his phone. This was embarrassing, but he’d have to do it now, or it wouldn’t happen.

 _Yeah. Btw, can I ask about that roommate thing?_ He sent the message quickly, looking away so that he didn’t have to think about how much he’d just embarrassed himself.

_What about it?_

_I was wondering if you would let me move in_

_I’ll see what I can do ;)_

Had Thomas _fucking_ Jefferson just sent him that fucking face? This was surreal. Maybe John was getting desperate, but when he imagined Jefferson winking at him with that attractive smile… god _damn_.

_Come over. Bring important things_

John felt his eyebrows raise at the message, but he automatically began putting things in his bag, not even questioning Jefferson on _why_. While he was collecting his important belongings, he got lost in a train of thought- Alex. How angry he would be if he heard that Laurens was actually _friends_ with that asshole. His lip would curl, his nose would wrinkle… but Alexander wasn’t here right now. Nor would he ever be. He grabbed his sketchbook last and turned to the door, closing and locking it behind him.

The walk, as usual, was short. Jefferson was waiting outside of the building, the evening chill not seeming to bother him. Once he saw Laurens, he smiled.

“Hey. I just decided that you’re going to be moving in. Now.” Thomas said, grabbing his arm. Wait, _what_?

“Now?” John was being pulled by the arm into Jefferson’s apartment. Monticello ran up to Laurens and mewed excitedly, rubbing her side against him. “Wait, but I left my stuff-”

“We’ll pick it up tomorrow. Sorry for making this so sudden, but I want you to be my roommate before anyone else tries to take you.” _Take him_?

“I need to change my address on like, everything still, though!” Laurens put his hands up to the side of his head. “You need to warn me next time, Jesus,” he could feel himself start to shake, and Jefferson’s face dropped. He put an arm around John’s shoulders, pulling him in for a hug.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I’ll help you get that stuff taken care of.” he rubbed circles on the other’s back. “Sorry I didn’t tell you. I kinda wanted it to be a surprise.” Thomas’ voice was soft and comforting, and Laurens pressed closer.

“It’s okay,” he sighed. “I wasn’t mad. The departments haven’t responded to my letters about a new address, anyway.”

They stood there for several minutes without letting go, before Jefferson realized what a _sap_ he was being and pulled away. Laurens stood there for a second before turning back to his bag, pulling out his sketchbook and sitting down on the couch.

He started drawing, and damn it, he was drawing Jefferson. Quick, light pencil strokes. There was quiet noise coming from the kitchen, and suddenly, John stopped what he was doing. _Domestic_. _Living together_. _Alex_. No, he wasn’t going to have a panic attack now. Oh, but look, he did it anyway.

Laurens covered his mouth to try to stop himself from hyperventilating, but it didn’t work. He started to sob a little, and he tried to keep it quiet, but he could hear Monticello padding into the room, looking over at him. Tears were coming from his eyes steadily now, and he felt the pressure of Monti next to him.

She pressed up against him, but he didn’t respond. She gave him a soft lick on the hand, but he didn’t respond. This was enough for her to know that John needed more help than she could offer. She bolted to the kitchen, propping her paws up on Jefferson’s leg, meowing loudly. Thomas didn’t know what was happening (as usual).

“Monti, what’s up?” he tried to shake her off, but she held on fast. “Oh my God, it’s not even five! It’s not time for food!” With that, Monticello decided she’d had enough. She bit his leg, causing him to yell and reach for her, but before she could be caught, she ran to the living room. Thomas followed, but was greeted with the sight of John Laurens. He was panicking, but Jefferson couldn’t figure out why. He ran over to the couch and sat next to John, spying Monticello slinking out of the room.

“John?” he whispered, and he saw the other boy lift his hands from his eyes a little, staring at him from the corner of his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“He-” Laurens shook his head. “Alex- we would cook-” he was shaking, but a little less now. Jefferson’s big hand was on his back, steadying him a little. John fell on to his side, landing his head on Jefferson’s lap.

“Oh… oh. Cooking, huh? Domestic life is probably hard to get back into…” Jefferson ran a hand over Laurens’ hair. “Do you wanna help me in the kitchen? Would that help?”

John thought about it for a second. He would be getting himself back into the groove of domestic life- cooking, living with someone else… it would distract him from this panic attack. He nodded his head a little, sniffling and sitting up. His back was hunched.

“I’ll do it…”

“Cool. I’m not really cooking a five-star, three-course meal, but hopefully, it will help.” Jefferson got up, leading John by the hand into the kitchen. “Just Kraft mac n’ cheese.”

The next few minutes were spent with John quietly stirring the noodles. As much as he hated to admit it, cooking with Thomas was helping him get over the triggers that domestic life had given him.

“I’m ready for it,” Jefferson called. “Let me get some of those noodles!” he made grabby hands. Laurens laughed and passed the pot over to him, sliding it on to the counter next to him. “Thank you, sir.” _Oh_ , a nickname. _How nice_. Laurens stayed in a spaced-out state for a minute, before his phone took him out of the trance. Lafayette was calling him. He picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“ _Cher, you had me worried sick! Where are you? You are not-_ ”

“Lafayette, please relax. I’m at Thomas Jefferson’s house-”

“ _You moved in with your boyfriend?_ ” Lafayette’s voice came out as a yell. John pulled the phone away from his ear at the increase in volume.

“Laf, oh my fucking God!” his face was red, but he wasn’t sure if it was out of embarrassment or anger. “He’s not my boyfriend!” What a perfect time for Thomas to walk into the room with their bowls of macaroni.

“Hey now, not yet.” Jefferson put his mouth up to the microphone, making himself heard. Lafayette could be heard laughing from several feet away, but John didn’t- _couldn’t_ say anything. Boyfriend? Alex was his boyfriend, remember that? They would’ve gotten married. They would have had their whole life together. Was that going to happen with Jefferson? Would he die too?

“ _John?_ ” the phone was too far away for him to hear. His hand was hanging at his side, still holding his phone. “ _Laurens? Whats happening?_ ”

“Hey, John, I’m sorry about that. Lafayette’s probably getting worried now. I didn’t mean to trigger those thoughts. I’m sorry.” Jefferson’s steady hand was on his back, bringing him back down to earth. He nodded and picked up the phone.

“Anyway, Lafayette, Thomas _isn’t_ my boyfriend. I might be moving in with him, but dinner is ready, so I have to go.” he hung up shortly and turned to the coffee table. The macaroni was still hot.

“It’s okay, by the way. I’m just afraid that if I fall- If I become friends with anyone they’ll just die.” John picked up his bowl. “Like… if I get into any kind of relationship, they’ll end up dead. Somehow.” After that, he shoved macaroni into his mouth. What the _hell_ was he thinking? ‘ _Fall_ ’? He was pretty sure everyone within a mile heard that mix-up.

“Oh. Well, I’ll do my best not to die.” Thomas sat down on the couch with his legs crossed. “For your sake… and mine… and maybe Monti’s? I don’t know how she’d feel if I died. She’s a sassy lil’ thing.” Monticello perked up when she heard her name.

“Well… when Alex died, Philip changed a lot. And then he just died without any health issues. I think Monticello would be pretty shaken if you died. So would I. So would everyone else.” _Everyone else_. “If there was a way I could have stopped Alex from-”

“No, no, don’t start with that, hon. We’re not going down that road right now, or ever, really. Let’s watch a movie, okay? You want some more macaroni?” John nodded. To be honest, this was the best Kraft macaroni he’d had in ages, for what factory-made mac n’ cheese could be. Jefferson got up and returned shortly with more macaroni for John. He passed it to the other boy and fell back on to the couch.

“What do you wanna watch?” Thomas asked, picking up the remote. _He had a Roku box_. Laurens had to wonder how much money he had.

“Um, I dunno… we could watch The Little Mermaid.” John looked at his macaroni. “Or whatever you want to watch…”

“The Little Mermaid sounds great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AO3 KEEPS MESSiNG WITH PUNCTUATION AFTER ITALICS. I'm so tired


	4. don't ever let anyone tell you you deserve that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good mourning.

After about forty minutes of The Little Mermaid, John was asleep on Jefferson’s arm. They were spread out on the floor and Laurens’ head was resting on Thomas’ forearm. Thomas hadn’t even noticed until he looked down to check his phone, only to find he couldn’t move his right arm. John’s face was softened, making him look the most relaxed since Jefferson had met him.

Thomas moved his arm a little, trying not to wake John up, letting the other’s head drop down to the floor softly. He picked up his phone to text James, unlocking it quickly and typing a message. He didn’t know why he sent it, though. James was too frail to stay up this late.

_Why is Alex’s widowed bf so cute_

Thomas laughed to himself before he dropped his phone and stood up. Wow, he hadn’t even cleaned up their bowls left over from macaroni. He picked the two of them up as quietly as possible and put them into the sink, figuring he’d just take care of it later. He returned to the living room, finding John on his stomach with his arms folded under his chest.

Jefferson picked up John’s smaller body and carried him to his own bed. He pulled the duvet over him and left the room, hearing John adjusting his position. Thomas decided to sleep on the couch.

* * *

 

When John woke up, he was confused. He was in a bed he didn’t recognize, and the first thought he had was that he’d done something regrettable. He got up and ran out of the room, stopping at the doorframe when he saw Thomas Jefferson asleep on the couch. John paused and began to rethink the situation. Oh, that’s right. Last night.

Jefferson had basically tricked John into living with him, even temporarily, then he’d had a panic attack, and they decided to watch The Little Mermaid. And then he’d fallen asleep. Jefferson shifted, but his body was too wide for the couch, and suddenly, he was falling to the floor with a loud crash. He groaned and opened his eyes to see John standing in the doorway of his room, laughing his ass off.

“Thomas, I’m gonna cry!” he managed to choke out between laughs. “I mean, I’m a good friend- are you okay?” Laurens rubbed sleep out of his eyes and started walking toward the couch. _Oh_ , Jefferson thought, _I don’t want to get rid of that laugh_.

“I think I just got brain damage- but yeah, other than that, I’m fine.” he got up slowly, rubbing the back of his head and shedding the fleece he’d had over himself. “Sleep okay?”

“Me? Oh, I slept fine. You didn’t have to give me the bed, you know. I would’ve slept fine on the couch.” Laurens turned back toward the kitchen. “Do you have breakfast stuff?”

The rest of the morning consisted of them eating and talking about various things, like what Disney movies were their favorite, what their school lives were like, and eventually it moved on to relationships.

“I definitely know that Jemmy has a thing for me.” Thomas commented as he scrubbed the inside of one of the bowls from the night before. “He’s horrible at hiding it. It’s kinda cute, but he’s not my type, y’know? Good friend, not really a good lover. That’s my take.”

“Ah… you have a type? You don’t just go for anything humanoid?” John joked, scribbling absent-mindedly in his sketchbook. “Kidding. I didn’t know he even liked you like that. Thought he was just a ‘I’m your biggest fan’ kind of guy.”

“Nah, he’s just my friend. Has been since… forever?” Thomas put the bowls in the dishwasher and closed it, turning back to the table. “Yeah. I haven’t dated anyone in like, years.” John went quiet, but he nodded anyway. “Ah, shit, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Laurens held up his hands to shut Jefferson up. “Not talking about it won’t help me move on, y’know?”

“Gotcha.” Jefferson’s phone went off and he picked it up. It was from James.

_don’t do it thomas_

_Don’t do what?_

He walked out to the living room, checking the clock, only to find that there was an hour to waste before his shift started. He turned to John.

“You have off today?” he asked, putting his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah,” John put his pencil down. “Have off on the weekends, kind of like a normal nine-to-five. Except I don’t work at an office.”

“Cool. I have work in an hour. Wanna do anything until then?”

“Um… why?” John paused and took on a sly smile. “Is this a date, Thomas Jefferson?”

“Wh- I don’t know what you’re talking about. If you keep that up, I might think you _want_ it to be.” Thomas played off his own embarrassment.

“You wish you could get this,” John motioned to himself. “Anyway, where would we even go?”

“Coffee shop…?”

“Sounds good to me. Grab your shit, let’s go.” Jefferson stood up and grabbed a hoodie, pulling it over his head, while John scrambled to pick up his sketchbook and pencils.

After the quick walk, they arrived at the coffee shop, both letting out sighs as they stepped inside. The fall air was getting more brisk as the days went on. It was then that Thomas stopped and started chewing his lip.

“Hey, Laurens, I think we should, uh, skedaddle.” he muttered. John looked up at the taller man and raised an eyebrow.

“Why? We just got here.”

“Look… you see that guy over there in line? His name’s Aaron Burr.” Thomas did his best to point subtly at him. “He, uh, had a thing for Alex was still alive, and I honestly don’t think he’ll be too… _keen_ on you.” he whispered. John’s eyes widened.

“Why would he be-” he stopped. Aaron looked in his direction, and he felt his heart stop for a minute. The look on the other’s face was enough to tell him. He blamed John for Alex’s death, didn’t he?

Aaron received his order, probably tea, based on the smell, and stomped over to the two of them.

“So this is what all the rage was about.” he snarled. His eyes were narrowed and Laurens could feel himself start to shake.

“Burr, cut that shit out.” Jefferson put an arm in front of John, sweeping him behind his back.

“You know, if I was there-”

“Are you seriously gonna _fucking_ do this, Burr? He’s probably heard it before. He already knows what you’re going to say. Spare us the lecture.” With that, he grabbed John by the shirt and dragged him out of the coffee shop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so badly thrown together I'm sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Ship suggestions are still open :p


End file.
